IMPERFECTLY PERFECT

I wrote this post at the beginning of last month, as a guest post for the blog representing the women's ministry and bible study that I attend.  As I was preparing for my day this morning, I heard a whisper to go back and read it again- for myself.  I am re-sharing it for accountability AND to give deeper definition to my IMPERFECTLY PERFECT Facebook posts.  

IMPERFECTLY PERFECT - SAMMYS BLOG - JUNE 2014

In the recent years, I’ve learned to be transparent.  I’ve learned to speak truth and not shy away from hard conversations.  It has grown me and stretched me in beautiful, and sometimes grueling ways.  

Transparent.  Can we be different kinds of transparent? We can be transparent with our  emotions, and our stories, and our prayer requests.  But can we be transparent with our back entry way?  Our kitchen sink and our sock drawer?   Can we allow just anybody to really see into our home lives?

Recently, my husband and I met with a rock-solid marriage coach.  He is first a husband, then father, then Pastor.  Because he believes in extraordinary marriage, he takes on opportunities to council couples.  We had the opportunity to be transparent (with our emotions and stories) a few months back.  It was quick- but he saw right through me.  Do you want to know what he told me to do?  He told me to “Fire the panel.”  That was after he asked, “Who are you scared of?  Who intimidates you?”.

Ladies, I had to really understand a few things before I could just haul off and fire the panel.  I needed to answer his question.  I needed to identify that I, Lyra Beth Kaminski, am: 

1. The Panel

        2.   The #1 Intimidator 

        3.  My Biggest Enemy.  (Besides Satan, Himself, of course.  But Satan knows just where to pin me down.  He does with us all.)  

I’d also like to mention that a combination of my personality type and my souled out nature for God longs to obtain righteousness in ALL that I do.  Righteous parenting, righteous marriage, righteous bible study, righteous grocery shopping, righteous housekeeping- righteous EVERYTHING. 

But back to to the subject at hand.  I came home from our meeting and dove into The Word about this advice- these questions Pastor Arron had asked me.  And I mean he asked me! We are talking, straight-faced-stare-deep-into-my-guts-because-he-sees-somethin’-I-don’t-see asked me.  

I found it here, in Romans.  It says that 

This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. (Romans 3:22)  

I was stretching myself thin trying to show God how good I was. I, the panel, was judging every decision, and scrutinizing every detail of my life. I found gratification and COMFORT in doing things the RIGHT WAY (and still can).  Simply, I was trying too hard.  I was striving for something that was already there.  I had completely forgotten that, like Paul says, I believe in Jesus Christ.  I am obedient to his calls and prompts.  Therefor, I AM ALREADY righteous.

So fast forward now.... about 6 months.  We are at the SAMMYS Retreat.  For those of you who were there a few weeks ago, I can share with you my new name: Plentiful.  For those of you who weren’t there, we identified the labels we unjustly slap all over ourselves.  Yup!  Mine was “Not Enough”.  Then we re-named ourselves.  Hello!  My name is Plentiful!

I found so much freedom at the retreat.  I seriously left my label of “NOT ENOUGH” at the retreat center (and I PRAY that no one else EVER finds it!).  I found this freedom by identifying I had too high of expectations.  I know God loves me, I know I’m righteous.  Ok.  Got it.  But I was still wrestling with some of the more, well, prominent factors in my life.  The stuff that is physically present.  The condition of my home, the fighting between my kids, the lack of energy to give to my husband.  That was were I knew I needed to get some answers.  I prayed that God would reveal that to me, and of course he did. 

 Here is a summary of what he and I agreed upon:

“My expectations are too high. Zero expectations would be awesome, because then I wouldn’t get frustrated.  How in the world do I re-wire my brain to zero (!) expectations?”

“Well, child, who creates those expectations?”

“I do, God. “ 

“Well, how about removing yourself from those expectations?”

“You mean, like not caring?”

“No, because that won’t work.  I created you to care, to love, and to be diligent.”

“You mean, perhaps, that no matter what I’m doing, or where I am, I must remember that it is not about me?  That the expectations can remain, but I must not remain IN them?”

“YES. Its not about you.”  

The conversation continued a bit more, but I got it.  I could feel my adrenaline rush right then and there (at the retreat with NO ONE AROUND) when I thought about my kids arguing and I wanted it quiet, or I didn’t want to deal with the chaos in that moment.  I could feel the shame when I knew someone might be stopping by, and they’d see the state of MY kitchen.  I could sense the cool of my husband when I would rather putz around doing task after task instead of sitting down, rubbing his feet and hearing about his day.  I could feel it- the pressure, the heavy load of my way.  I understood that If my perspective could change, If I simply remove myself, then I could really be free. For don’t we think its easier if we have it OUR way?  In truth, it is not.  If that were true, the world really would revolve around us and our ways.  But our world revolves around someone much much greater.

After letting this all settle in my heart, and then approaching my home and my family with this new perspective, I could see the fruit.  I was experiencing peace love and joy.  I was extending patience, kindness and goodness.  I was showing faithfulness gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).  Its not that I never had shared these fruits before.  But they didn’t seem as plentiful. I was trying to be the gardner.  But in that bit of surrender, the fruits seemed plentiful.  I was in awe.  As it all came together, I wrote a Facebook post:

May 31,2014

Today has been a day of parenting that has required me to tap into my reserve of patience and endurance, and then still dig deeper to find more. As the waters are starting to be calm, I'm washing dishes and thinking about how I would have reacted to all of this in the past. How I would've fled the scene, only to come home to find it all still waiting for me. Yes- I can say that i'm learning to respond rather than react. But what I'm thinking about most (right now) is how I just want to hug each and every parent that is feeling just as challenged today. I want to encourage you. I want you to know that it takes training and grooming and chiseling (of yourself!), but you ARE a great parent. And becoming even GREATER! You've got this. God isn't finished with you yet!

In the comments that replied to the post, a new idea was born.  Conception took place long ago.  I dabbled with the idea at times, but it was on this very day of tough parenting- in the moment when i really wanted to crumble- I encouraged.  I did it.  I took myself and all my expectations and thought of all of you. I would love to somehow- someway encourage you to find this freedom too. 

 IMPERFECTLY PERFECT has begun, my dear sisters.  I have finally found courage to take joy in my days.  I have reaped the HUGE blessing of taking myself out of the equation.  I have shared (via Facebook) my IMPERFECTLY PERFECT surroundings.  I have learned, through all of this letting go, that my house is my house is my house.  And ladies, it is still a mess.  But it is filled with more laughter, more patient voices, still lots of rivalry between siblings- but a better responding mamma. Ladies, my house is a mess, but I have found time to give my time to others.  Sisters, my house is STILL A MESS, but it has never been cleaner.

(Because I know you are asking- I snap a picture or two each day.  A corner, or a counter, or a drawer.  It is of something that SURELY I would never let the outsider see.  My rule: no staging.  And funny enough- as much action this house sees, sometimes certain things get “placed” and there they sit.  And now you get to see it.)

Matter of fact, Faith just texted me.  It is Saturday night.  She requested that I write a post all about this for the SAMMYS Blog. I was in the middle of cleaning up from supper, when I found more ants.  You see, we live on a huge pile of sand, and there is never a lack of crumbs.  I grabbed the vacuum to “quick” go through the drawers.  But the creative juices were flowing.  I wanted to share this with you even more.  So I stopped in the middle of what I was doing.  I started writing this. Here is the picture of my view: 

So now back to the original question.  Are there different kinds of transparency?  Why do we feel such shame if people see our physical mess?  Are we not supposed to eat, or play, or get distracted?  Are we not supposed to do laundry or help our husbands with his projects?  Are we not supposed to LIVE in our houses?  

We talk a lot about this in our circles. We constantly tell each other that “its ok” or “you just had a baby” or “but you have little kids” or “you work full time!” or “give yourself grace” or “don’t you worry... you should see my house!”.  We host a gathering and burn 3000 calories cleaning, and need to reapply deodorant right before our guests (sisters!) arrive.  And worst of all, we decline help.  We think we can do it all.

“BUT!” we all say.  “BUT who wants to see this?” 

I get it.  I surely don’t want someone walking into this.  But for ME, I wanted peace in my house before order.   

Order.  Key word.  We all long for order.  Its true!  We desire things neat and tidy and presentable.  We like to not spend more than five minutes looking for something in a pile on the counter, table, bed or dresser.  The older I get, the more I crave order- the less stuff I want to own (yet TJ MAXX and thrift sales still allure).  I think if we try to seek balance, we get frustrated.  

So for me, as God taught me to remove myself from those expectations, I arrived in this beautiful land of IMPERFECTLY PERFECT.  Here, I roll around on the rug reading books with my kids.  Here I watch my five-year old teach my nine year old to use the vacuum because the ants found her room too (We don’t believe in chemicals!  LOL).  Here, I clean my kitchen in the mornings- and after lunch, some days.  But mostly not after dinner.  Here, we stash band-aids in at least three different places, and have bee hive supplies in random spots.  Here, you will find piles.  Lots of piles.  Piles of laundry, piles of paper, piles of fruit, piles of books, piles of sand, piles of shoes, piles of legos and piles of clean clothes.  Here, you will find us.  The Kaminskis.  Just a crazy unconventional family living in righteousness, learning to love beyond ourselves and living IMPERFECTLY PERFECT.